Not this again!!

I haven't reread all of the entries in my blog. I usually write them and read them once or twice and then I post them. Most entries are just a stream of consciousness, so I only have a vague memory of having written about today's topic in an earlier post, but I must have done so because I firmly believe in it and research confirms it. What I am talking about is The power of positive thinking, today's topic.

My wife is the cause of this lesson. She successfully fought cancer...... God! I can't believe I would ever encounter the word "cancer" when speaking of a loved one.....! When she was going through chemo and radiation. I tried to give her positive feedback. I was certain she would be OK and any negative thought to the contrary was vanquished to the dark parts of my brain. I don't know if I was of any help but the fact is, now she is cancer free and I am confident she will outlive me.

Positive thinking was our theme du jour earlier today. My wife and I were talking about my situation:

• she asks me how I am doing
• I am doing fine, a little shaky. I had trouble sleeping and getting out of bed, but I am fine now.
• She looks serious and we talk about her fear of cancer
• She tells me she admires the way I am handling PD
• I am OK (I am watching a hockey game on TV which might account for my lack of conversation)
• But, she says, you might be wrong
• No, it is what I really believe. I am going to be OK, I'd rather have PD than cancer.
• There will be a cure for PD in the not too distant future
• She nods her head and says that is quite possible; they seem to have new drugs all the time
• There is no doubt. I am right
• I gently conclude with a proclamation of certainty. I am positive that PD won't advance quickly and a cure or slow down drug is in the offing.

The conversation ends when the Jets score and she walks away remarking on my short attention span. I hope she has some positivity about her success in her perverse dalliance with the BIG C.

How did I get so positive? By following these rules.

• I believe my entire life will be good. It has been for the past 71 years so why would it change now.
• I try not to let any negativity get me down. When any negative thought appears in my brain, I analyze it until it gives in and surrenders
• I believe I can predict the future and it is so bright, "I have to wear shades"
• I am convinced that if I fell into a bucket of shit, I would come out smelling like roses

You can do it too. As I have probably said in the past, keep your face toward the sun and you won't see your shadow. You do have a future and the day will come, sooner, not later, when some unknown scientist will rid the world of PD.

Good riddance, I say.

We are such stuff as our dreams are made on...Shakespeare

The one good thing that has come to me from the darkness of PD is the virtual reality dream. Other than that, there is nothing appealing about the disease. It is trying to break me down and thinks that these weird dreams will speed me to its desired goal and get me to my destiny more quickly.

Not going to happen!

My strength is the fact that I love these dreams, as strange as they are. Last night's was a beauty.

SCENE ONE: I am a searcher, looking for someone or something. I am doing my best but it is hard in this snow. I see three big buildings, all of which are dormitories. There are no other buildings so, when the three suddenly appear, stark and dark in the winter snow, they look quite ominous.

I enter the dream, stage right, and start toward the first building. The hair on the back of my neck stands up and I shudder silently. The problem is, the closer I get to the building, the farther away the building seems to be. I remember that curious puzzle where a man shoots an arrow at a tree. During its flight, the arrow is half way to the tree. Then it is a quarter of the way, followed by and eighth, sixteenth, etc, so that the arrow never hits the tree. It is always half the distance from the point it just left. I smile and spit on the snow and say aloud, "If nothing else, I will get there. No matter what the puzzle concludes. It is not reality" and I look back at my footprints in the snow. I notice smaller prints inside of my prints. I check it out, but there is nobody here, there, or anywhere; just endless snow and those three buildings.

SCENE TWO: I am in the first building and have been confronted by an old girlfriend, I don't really recognize her. She could be anybody. She makes me nervous, a little frightened. She is dressed in a black uniform, as are all her minions that have suddenly appeared behind her. An army of black jackets. There is a crest on her jacket. It is this crest that causes me to shudder, for in large print are the words, "Golf Club", and below the crest is an embroidered patch, "I am the leader". She comes toward me. I feel a cold rush of air. I stand my ground; determined not to let her get to me. She whispers in my ear and I start running out of building, headed toward the second building, but the snow is deep. My legs feel heavy and I am breathing through my mouth, loud gasps for air. I feel a hand on my back. It is caressing me, up and down, and it soothes me.

I wake up. It is my wife doing the soothing. She has experienced my VR dreams in the past. She asks me if I was fighting or running in this one. She had been awakened by my breathing. I tell her I was running and within a couple of minutes I am asleep again, never to find out who the girl was; why I was afraid of "Golf Club; or what it was she said to make me run.

An action-packed dream and convincingly life-like; so much so, I can remember it perfectly.

Edgar Allan Poe wrote, "all that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream", or something like that. Is my life a dream within a dream or am I a searcher dreaming that I am a blogger with PD, writing about a searcher? Are vivid dreams caused by the disease or by the medication taken to control the disease's symptoms?

Who knows? who cares?.......Gotta love a good dream!

Garbage in Garbage out

Boy! Initially I tried them all. Supplements touted to slow the advancement of PD. There were testimonials of doctors, long distance runners, researchers, and on and on, testifying to the efficacy of the product being advertised. They all failed in their promises. Finally, I concluded there were no natural remedies and we were lucky to have dopamine agonists and L-Dopa to control the symptoms.

But now, I see just a little glimmer of hope in the possibility that the drug nilotinib, used in the treatment of cancer, may be able to slow down and perhaps halt the progression of the "disease". You can judge for yourself. Go to

https://flipboard.com/@flipboard/flip.it%2Fa8sG89-cancer-drug-that-might-slow-parkinsons-/f-9c15992646%2Fnpr.org

and read all about it. It is very convincing when researchers describe the drug as a garbage disposal mechanism that apparently appears to clean up the toxic proteins that accumulate in our brains. Imagine that, a garbage man we treat with all the glory we can muster as it goes around ridding us of the pollution that has collected in the corners of our minds

There really are people out there who are discovering the complexity and magic of the human brain. Shocking, but true.

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Audience

Time cannot erase my memories, just my ability to recount them

I have been deprived of my eloquence and I am ill at ease with myself. Once upon a time, I was filled with confidence and could easily converse with others. No more. Now, I cling to the maxim that well-timed silence is more eloquent than articulation.

I see a bad moon arising when my inability to converse will be spotlighted.

I am very honoured to have been invited to a high school reunion. Not my high school, but one that my junior high and elementary students attended, once they left me.

In my second year of teaching, I taught a wildly enthusiastic grade 6 class. What a year! We made 2 movies, captured creatures in the summer ditches and........ just generally enjoyed each other. I spent 7 years in that school and each year was a repeat of that first year. That was 4 decades ago and to have them remember me now.....well, that is truly an honour.

I have looked at the facebooks of each former student and I am shocked at the adult faces looking back at me. And they have children too!!! I have to face it, I am an old man. I don't recognize most of those adult faces. I remember them as young teenagers, not as grown-ups. As Dr. Seuss said, "When did it get so late so soon?"

Now, about that bad moon.

PD has robbed me of my ability to communicate. I talk only to family and close friends and even then I stumble over my words. I am hoping I won't have a vicious attack at the reunion. I want to remain in the high esteem of my former students.

PD has set me up for a semi-solitary life:

• my voice makes it hard for people to hear me.
• people have difficulty understanding me, particularly if the setting is noisy
• the clarity of of my voice is dubious
• people ask me to repeat myself because I am speaking too softly
• I am burdened with a word finding problem when I speak.

Funny how that works! I can't find the words when I speak, but they flow easily when I write. I guess you can't have every thing. I am so looking forward to this reunion. Wish me luck.

“How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before it's June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?”

― Dr. Seuss

Silence - the whiner has left the desktop.

The Loodleladdle within me

What is a loodleladdle, you must be asking yourself. A loodleladdle is the spirit of a dead settler that haunts the area around Waggle Springs on the Assiniboine River, or at least that is what I was told. I never really believed that legend but, one day, a friend and I decided to camp at Waggle Springs, near the rotting logs that were once the loodleladdle's cabin. We went on our bikes, our backpacks filled with clothing and food. He brought along a .22 caliber rifle and ammunition. You know, just in case.

We set up the tent, laid out our sleeping bags and spent the day exploring the woods and shooting the .22 at non-existent spectres. As night fell, we sat by the fire, eating, joking and insulting nature with locker room banter. Just before 11pm, the topic of the Loodleladdle came up. My buddy told me facts I didn't know. To this day, I say that he was trying to scare me with tales of a malevolent ghost of a bad guy who was killed many years before and now haunted the area around his decaying cabin.

Well..... he succeeded.

"I'm going home," I told him.

Naturally, he started in on me with boyish insults, followed by attempts to convince me to stay; but, my mind was made up. I gathered my gear and headed for home. The old dirt road to Waggle Springs, rose and fell and in the pitch black night, I rode as fast as I could, bouncing up and down on the seat, giving myself saddle sores but otherwise, I made it home without incident. My friend stayed the night and forever after he kept to himself the topic of my cowardliness. This is the first time I have admitted my craven act,

Unfortunately , I think the Loodleladdle inserted himself into me that night. We became as one, and I now carry the curse of the loodleladdle. He is determined to make my life miserable. The signs are there. Shortly after my frenzied breakout from Waggle Springs, I was bewitched and bedevilled with a backache that has lasted 50-odd years. A couple of decades later, years after my midnight ride, I agonized for six months under the spell of a spinal stenosis; very painful. Excruciatingly so. Next arrived the highlite of my list of things I wished to avoid. My anti-bucket list so to speak. Seven years ago, I was diagnosed with parkinson's and now I have a pinched nerve, (or so they tell me). All of these conditions are, without a doubt, disturbing my suburban routine. I shudder to think that perhaps the Loodleladdle came with me on that furious ride home with the intent of making life difficult. Can there be any other explanation?

Why he chose me is a mystery.

But now onto reality. I wonder if the cause of the new pain in my back is a symptom of PD. I know many doctors will tell the patient that pain is not a part of PD.

Do I take them at their word?

Not a chance.

The first result of a google search took me to the webpage of "The National Parkinson's Foundation" where I found an article by Jackie Hunt Christensen, in which she talks about Parkinson's and pain. She begins the article, Does Parkinson's Hurt, with the following:

If you are like most people who have Parkinson’s, one of your major complaints is probably pain. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to reduce its impact on your life. Existing treatment options, including both pharmacological and non-pharmacological, can prevent it from interfering with your daily activities.

While many family doctors and even some neurologists will tell you that Parkinson’s disease does not hurt, most people with the disease will probably disagree. In fact, pain might have been one of the early symptoms that, when combined with other signs, first compelled you to see a doctor. Chances are, if you did not experience pain as an early symptom, it will show up later, as your disease progresses. Usually, it occurs or is worse on the side of your body that is most affected by Parkinson’s.

What are the chances? PD or something else? Probably only a pinched nerve is culprit. With fingers crossed, I will have to wait and see. I am certain, in a Blair Witch sort of way, it is not the loodleladdle giving me grief. That's for sure. The loodleladdle is a ghost and as I have never seen a ghost, VOILA, I conclude that I don't believe in them. They are just the stuff of nightmares. Ain't no ghost going to scare me!

But, you know, as I have said in past entries, I have never seen an 80 foot great white shark either.

Doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

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