The Talking Dead & The Season of the Twitch

A good friend of 32 years, G, wrote to me recently remarking,
"Something that I haven't mentioned, but have thought for awhile - I am surprised that you are so lacking in self-confidence; you have written in various ways that you are reluctant to speak because you are afraid someone will think you a fool. Now, I am here to tell you that you are neither a fool nor inclined to play the fool."

Thank you G. That helps ...alot.

I have been lacking in self-confidence lately because of problems with word finding (a fairly common symptom of PD). For example, I was out for dinner with friends the other night when I got into a conversation with the person next to me. I wanted to say, sarcastically, that if they ever found a cure for cancer, there would be a lot of people out of work. I stumbled after "..ever found..". Do you think I could think of the word "cure"? I could not, so I substituted, "If they ever uh, uh,(pause) solve that problem with cancer, a lot of people will be unemployed." Fortunately, I worked in his law firm and he knows my problem. It is the stumbling and the need for simple words, or strange phrases, to get over the block that causes me distress and yes, a diminishing of my self-confidence. G's words are appreciated.

Speech is about expressing ideas via the use of language. Language is a cognitive ability that can be present even when you cannot speak. In the case of people with PD, they may exhibit word-finding difficulties and grammatical difficulties. They tend, for example, to use simplified sentence structures with an increase in the ratio of open-class items (nouns, verbs, adjectives) to closed-class items (determiners, auxiliaries, prepositions, etc.), as well as an increase in the frequency and duration of hesitations and pauses.(Patrick McNamara PhD)

I shall try to give myself the freedom to make mistakes without thinking myself to be stupid. And as for other people...well I don't care what they think as long as it isn't true. That's self-confidence.

On the upside, my symptoms have calmed down except I have had a couple of serious cramps and even more spectacular spasms. Yesterday, my grandchildren were over and I was snoozing on the couch, while watching "Cracked", when I had a full body spasm. Truly, for a second I must have looked like Linda Blair in The Exorcist when she started to float above her bed. My 5 year old grandson saw me. He looked very serious and a little bit wary/nervous when asking,"Are you watching a scary movie Grandpa?" This seemed like a good explanation. I said "Sort of. In my head." He was satisfied and went back to play and I turned off the TV, just in case. No use in introducing him to reality. I prefer that he sees a healthy grandpa with some peculiar qualities - a sort of eccentric old man who has his own style of moving and who every so often practises floating off of beds.