Sadness still has a grip on me and is really only alleviated by visits by my kids (you need not do more than you are doing), and boxing. I enjoy the people there so much that for an hour 3x a week, all seems totally normal. Of course, on the way home I will suddenly realize "I am never going to see her again!" and that will happen several times a day. My brain becomes confused by the beat of a distant drum, like in old-time jungle movies, warning the explorers of future danger or maybe the drum is welcoming the newcomers. I don't know. It is all so surreal. Time will tell, and I hope it really does cure pain, but I doubt it. My brain might put a bandaid over that wound and the pain might lessen, but cured? I can't see the pain disappearing completely.
Well what now?
I have rediscovered my confidence in my physical abilities (to a point. I am not about to commit hari-kari). I will be making forages into the realm of sanity. Thank God for email and texts, friends are helping to end the loneliness but I remain trapped between the two solitudes, sanity or insanity. I know I will eventually choose sanity.
Let's assume I am sane, that the drum is friendly. I say to all you parkies out there, after 10 years of this parkie condition, I had an incident that made me realize I am limiting myself as to what I am capable of. Ask yourself, "Could I scale a six-foot wooden fence?" That was the problem I faced. I had locked myself out when I left my keys in my house. I had to find a way into the back yard. I had accidentally left the door to the deck open, but the deck was surrounded by a six-foot fence.
Fortunately, my neighbor was throwing out some old plastic chairs. I stacked them to a height of 2 feet. Using all of my strength, I managed to heave my left leg onto the fence. From there it was all downhill, easily using what strength I had left, to gently land without injury.
"Big Deal!!" I heard someone yell. For a PWP, who can't even hop, it was a huge deal. I was a poster-boy for the "can-do" public. As Vincent Van Gogh said, "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint' then by all means, paint boy paint, and that voice will be silenced".
Assuming hearing an inside voice is not a feature of your insanity side, then I say to you, we have our limitations but we should not give into them without trying. They should not control our lives.
Deaden your own drums and ....
LEAP!
The net will be there.
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